Your News Recap for Wednesday, August 9, 2017 

Compared to yesterday, Wednesday was relatively tame. Compared to a normal day, Wednesday was fucking insane. In the Wednesday news recap, I highlight President Donald Jermaine Trump who sorta, kinda, a little bit, de-escalated his bar fight speak with the North Korean dictator Kim Jong-uuhhhhnnnn. Well, not really, because for a couple of the reasons I describe, the story relating to the fate of millions of people’s lives continues to rage on.

Also, Trump’s former campaign chairman got his house raided by FBI agents in the middle of the night. No biggie.

NoKo maybe a little more of a no-go? Trump opened up his morning by retweeting Fox News five times and bragging/lying about nuclear weapons capacity. With the words, “…Hopefully we will never have to use this power” and not grabbing his own dick and yelling “come at me bro”, Trump, in comparison to Tuesday, has chilled out on his red line of telling the entire Korean Peninsula to go fuck itself. His own backers (12 throughout the entire country) say Trump is being calculated and speaking a language Kim Jong-Un understands. If true, knowing our president speaks dictator may be slight cause for concern.

Meanwhile, North Korea has continued to threaten an attack on Guam (a U.S. island territory known for lasting memories and a pretty solid happy hour). They are also trolling Trump and have called his words a “load of nonsense”. The Guam part aside, it’s clear North Korea is quickly becoming like a majority of Americans on Twitter.

FBI performs panty raid on Trump’s former campaign chair! The Washington Post broke the news that Paul Manafort (aka #2 from the “Austin Powers” movies) had his home raided by the F.B.I. late last month. What could they be searching for? A laptop with evidence. Dirty Eastern European money. An autographed poster of his doppelganger Robert Wagner? Probably the laptop or the money.

Why did they search? Because something smells like a water treatment plant in Gary, Indiana. Manafort was not only high up on the food chain, but he’s one of several in the Trump campaign with dirty connections. He also testified in Congress the day before … could Robert Mueller’s team have been listening to Manafort’s testimony while passing notes that say, “Is that the smell of a water treatment plant in Gary, Indiana? Maybe we should get the FBI on this.” Experts are also saying Mueller could be trying to flip Manafort’s potential sentence for dirt on somebody oranger up the food chain.

On the same day of the raid, Trump publicly lashed out against his own garden gnome, Jeff Sessions, about recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Coincidence? It’s hard to say. On one hand, no, it’s obvious Trump is backed in the corner and yelling at Sessions in 140 character is his way. On the other hand, it could mean nothing because the man is just plain cray cray.

Bottom line: Buy your “Mueller Time” t-shirts and beer koozies while they’re cheap.