MADISON, WI—Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin decided to end his campaign for President of the United States on Monday night to pursue his own version of the book and subsequent movie, “The Motorcycle Diaries.” The decision to drop out of the GOP race comes at a time when cash is running low and official poll numbers show that voters would rather ”wait in line at the DMV” or ”be stuck in a car on a long road trip having to go the bathroom really bad” than cast their ballots for him.
“Getting tickets to a Scott Walker rally is like getting tickets to a Dustin Diamond stand-up show,” said Marsha Rawlings, an undecided Republican from New Hampshire. “Your initial reaction is ‘wait, you have to get tickets for this?’”
Despite the plummeting numbers, Walker has denied that he’s leaving the campaign due to lack of popularity. Instead, Walker plans to take his motorcycle throughout North America in hopes of finding his true calling.
“It’s going to be magical,” said a friend of Walker who declined to take the trip with him. “Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it because I had things to do. Yeah, things.”
Walker plans to tour the United States before entering into Canada.
“If I had been President, getting across the border to the north would’ve been a lot more difficult with that whole Canadian wall proposal,” said Walker. “But I’m sure whoever is elected next won’t have such an idiotic fucking idea, so I shouldn’t have any problems.”