PEORIA — Valentine’s Day is always the most difficult holiday for Hunter Bryant. The 29-year-old Illinois native just can’t erase the mental image of his parents doing it — and for good reason. Ever since Bryant was a toddler, his mother and father would drone on about how his October 21st birthday is a result of them having lots of unprotected sexual intercourse to ring in the romantic occasion.
“One of my first memories was on my fifth birthday,” said Bryant. “My parents took me to Disney World, and I remember checking into the hotel we were staying at and my mom saying to my dad ‘doesn’t this remind you of Hunter’s conception?’”
Bryant says at the time he didn’t know what the term “conception” meant, so he inquired further.
“That was my biggest mistake,” said Bryant. “I wish I wasn’t so curious. My dad ended up talking for at least half an hour about what conception was by using not-so-subtle innuendo and saying that it was a result of a man and a woman loving each other…all night long…after several margaritas.”
Bryant contends that throughout his childhood and now into his adulthood, his parents have only become more descriptive in their telling of that night.
“It’s really bad,” said Bryant, who is currently single. “I’d try to go visit them over the long weekend, but inevitably they’ll bring it up multiple times in the first several minutes of a meal. Whenever a meal is served, it’s always my mom winking at me and saying ‘your dad really knows how to prepare a good piece of meat this time of year’ or my dad saying ‘she likes her Valentine’s dessert alright’ in this low, creepy voice.”
The elder Bryants were unable to be reached for comment, as they were busy making the rest of the family uncomfortable by going through old vacation photos and providing unnecessary backstory about ‘getting their money’s worth from the various hotel beds.’