SYRIA—With the spread of ISIS throughout Syria and Iraq rapidly expanding, the Obama Administration has decided to take advantage of the mass commercialization of the Autumn season by introducing Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes to the Middle East. The controversial move was announced late Sunday afternoon while many Americans were completely immersed in watching grown men sack each other.
“The President, along with top officials at the Pentagon and commanders on the ground, have decided that it’s in the best interest of those who want to end the reign of ISIS that we capitalize on something that absolutely no one can resist: Pumpkin Spice Lattes,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “The Administration is hoping that, by putting a new Starbucks on every other block throughout Eastern Syria, ISIS will realize that every bit of hate and cruel intention that’s been drilled into them will quickly fade away, and they can use all of that newfound oil money on $5 coffee.”
Earnest went on to say that if this starts to work, they’d be open to similar tactics that include introducing popular U.S. trends.
“For this to pan out long-term, we’re going to have to really figure out what works here and apply it directly over there,” said Earnest. “It begins with Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but we could certainly picture Syrians wearing emoji shirts, eating pizza with a hot dog crust and naturally, rocking man buns.”