HEAVEN—Following Sunday’s Eagles-Colts preseason game in Philadelphia, God released the following statement regarding backup quarterback Tim Tebow’s performance:
“First, I want to say that I fully believe Tim Tebow can play at the NFL level. Maybe not quarterback. Honestly, I think he could be a solid right guard. Maybe inside linebacker. Nonetheless, he’s got what it takes, and I think we all saw that on Sunday. After going 6-12 for 69 yards, with no interceptions and a running touchdown against a third string defense, it’s clear that Tim has improved his game since throwing dirt balls as a tryout guy in New England, and being Mark Sanchez’s fluffer in New York. Barring injury, I think Tim will make the Eagles’ roster and become Mark Sanchez’ fluffer in Philadelphia.
Furthermore, no matter if you love him or hate him, you have to agree Tim Tebow is fun to watch. He’s kind of like Donald Trump in a debate. Whatever he does, you’re probably going to cringe and say to yourself, “why the hell did he just do that? That was terrible.” But then somehow people will still stand in line holding a sign waiting to watch him. It speaks volumes about society. Seriously, you would think these people are crazy religious zealots or something.
In conclusion, I look forward to answering Tim’s prayers and providing Eagles’ fans reason to hang around after halftime of these seemingly endless practice games where coach’s main goals are to have their starters stave off injury and figure out who will fill that coveted backup long snapper position.”