LAS VEGAS—Following Tuesday night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and a few other candidates who won’t win, hit the Vegas strip incredibly hard. The night on the town came after they traded barbs for nearly two hours in a Democratic debate hosted by CNN and moderated by Anderson Cooper. With weeks of preparation and having to take the back seat to two prior GOP contests, the Democrats couldn’t wait to get loaded when it was all said and done.
“You know us Democrats… we work hard, and we play harder,” said a hungover, Hillary Clinton. “And let’s just say this is a four-Aspirin kind of morning.”
The first stop after the candidates shook hands for the final time on stage was The Bellagio, where former Senator Jim Webb revived his Marine Corps gambling days and doubled-down several times on the Black Jack table. While he unanimously lost the debate, Webb managed to walk away an $1800 winner.
“Jim was in real ‘I-don’t-give-a-fuck’ mode,” said Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders. “After he left the card table, he gave me $300 and told me to go score some weed and a few private dancers for later on.”
The motley crew went on to take fireball shots at Mandalay Bay, after catching Britney Spears at Axis and the end of Carrot Top’s show at Luxor. They then proceeded to urinate on the Trump Hotel, before Sanders convinced them all to have a nightcap at the Golden Nugget where, in his words, “it all began.”
“We needed that,” said Governor Martin O’Malley. “And I really needed that. I’m at 1% in the polls. Honestly, I’m going to enjoy the ride while it lasts and hope that Hillary selects me as her running mate.”
At time of press, all of the Democratic debate candidates were partaking in a Bloody Mary bar at Carnival World Buffet and still wondering why Vice President Joe Biden never showed up.