NEW YORK—In a bold move to bolster their round-the-clock coverage of Pope Francis’ trip to America, executives at CNN decided to install cameras in the hotel bathroom of the head of the Catholic Church. It’s a decision that the network feels will make them stand out.
“Any station can point a camera and have a bunch of talking heads mince every word that comes out of His Holiness’ mouth,” said one CNN spokesman. “But we want to go beyond that. We want to show you what it’s like to watch the Pope take a shower.”
“Is there a certain regalia he wears when he’s on the toilet? Those are the real questions people want answered.”
While security is at an all-time high while the Pope tours the east coast, CNN received special government clearance to install the cameras on a condition known as “the current over-saturated, gratuitous shit storm that is cable news media.” CNN says that being granted such a status wasn’t without its challenges.
“We had to lobby pretty hard to get those cameras in there,” said CNN Communications Director, Marshall Stanley. “Initially, they told us that we could only have them facing the bed. But then we made the point that, since he’s the Pope, there wouldn’t be much action. People would get bored and switch over to some inane story about Trump. Eventually, they caved when we pointed out the pros of the faucet cam.”