LIVINGSTON, N.J.—On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor and guy who seems like he starts a lot of bar fights, Chris Christie, announced he is running for President of the United States. Christie made the announcement at Livingston High School where he was president of his class and according to friends, “just as much of a cocky SOB as he is today.”
“All I remember is how much of a pompous ass he was,” said former classmate, Margaret Todman. “I remember this one time when he was running for class president. He got up on a table during lunch and told everyone they shouldn’t vote for the other guy because he was, in his words, ‘a giant pussy.’”
This was a time, of course, when Christie could stand on tables. Since, Christie has presided over a stagnant economy that’s faced credit downgrades, anemic job growth and a litany of lawsuits over a state pension he vowed to fix. However, he still hasn’t lost his greatest strength: hubris.
“Today, I stand before you… in a place where all my chutzpah began,” said Christie. “Some of you, those who may know me, others who may not but possess even the smallest of bullshit detectors, can clearly see that the only thing I have to run on is my personality. Not my record. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ll spin the shit out of it but do it in such an overt way that you’ll think I just pulled some Jedi Mind Trick.”
Before ending his speech, Christie let everyone in the high school gymnasium know that tough talk is in his DNA.
“Whether I’m being honest or not doesn’t really matter,” said Christie. “At the end of the day, my job as President of the United States is to tell you, the people, things you may not want to hear. Like how I keep pigs in small cages so they can’t move. And how I block traffic when someone doesn’t endorse me. And how I have no problem telling school teachers or war veterans to shut up. What I’m trying to say is, I’m still slightly more likable than Donald Trump.”