This Fourth of July Weekend, the most important question to ask yourself is how will you end up in the ER? Here are five ways to make it happen.
1. Get way too close to the fireworks. This often happens in neighborhood settings where illegal firecracker celebrations have been happening since mid-June. Just remember, if a guy with more than seven tattoos yells, “Yo brotha, I got this,” he probably doesn’t. But don’t worry, he knows how this goes. He was at the same ER last year for the same exact reason.
2. Drink your ass off. Celebrate America by not remembering how you celebrated. Be patriotic before getting your stomach pumped and shotgun some Budweisers, take shots of Jack and finally try out that moonshine that’s been “brewing” in your uncle’s bathtub.
3. Shark attack. It’s the summer. It’s hot. It’s Independence Day. And it only makes sense to find the nearest ocean, lake or retention pond and splash around like a small child. But did you know shark attacks are at their highest right around the 4th of July? It’s true. Actually, we just made that up. Plus, sharks don’t live in retention ponds. And seriously, why are you swimming around in a retention pond? That’s just gross.
4. Depression. Most people are enjoying a long weekend celebrating life and freedom. Some people, however, are at home listening to Ray LaMontagne and eating endless bags of Lay’s barbecue chips. If this is you, stop brooding. Get out there and have some fun, damn it. Get a henna tattoo, go watch a parade, splash around in a retention pond. Seriously, let the illegal firework people have their day in the hospital.
5. Overdose on ribs. Here’s your chance to out-do your two idiot friends in a rib eating contest. Need some motivation? Check out Joey Chestnut and his wiener gobbling fetish.
Can’t wait for the next holiday weekend? Here are 7 Ways to Spend Your Labor Day Weekend.