1. Wichita State will upset (shock) Notre Dame, and will continue to have that creepy “Yellow Gary Busey” mascot roaming the sidelines.
2. North Carolina’s biggest upset will be its ridiculous shoes, which will upset the stomach of anyone with fashion sense.
3. In the “Battle of least desirable vacation destinations,” Kentucky & West Virginia will play a tough game with the freakishness of Kentucky winning out.
4. Arizona will beat Xavier by 14. Arizona’s Rondae Hollis-Jefferson will “shimmy” 14 times in the win.
5. UCLA’s favorable draw will finally run out against Gonzaga. No upset bruin here (horrible pun quota is now met).
6. Louisville will squeak one out in the final minute as an NC State player slips on a patch of Rick Pitino’s hair grease that fell on the floor. “Grease-Gate” will ensue.
7. Utah will stun Duke, because why the hell not?
8. Tom Izzo will enlist the help of his “March Voodoo Shaman” and cruise to victory.
9. Wisconsin’s Frank Kaminsky will dominate the post during the game, then dominate a block of Wisconsin cheddar cheese in the post-game celebration.
10. Rather than flying back to Durham after the loss, several Duke starters will take a charter flight to New York to wait around for the NBA draft.
11. During one of the games, Bill Walton will emerge from the stands and overtake the announcers. He will begin rambling about one of his college memories of doing shrooms in the desert, at which point his microphone will be cut off.
12. After the games, Coach K and Roy Williams will go out for kale salads and green tea. John Calipari and Rick Pitino will go to a strip club and get wasted on cheap bourbon.
13. In a surprise move, CBS will exclusively play “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins as its intro/outro music.
14. Several Utah bench players will suffer serious injuries during an elaborate celebration dance on the sidelines. The incident will lead to a new slang term: “twerking a hamstring.”
15. Kentucky will use its last few bench players during “garbage time” in the final minutes. Following the game, those players will immediately be drafted by NBA teams.
16. After beating UCLA, Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski will be ruled ineligible after it is learned that he received royalties for inspiring the popular movie “Shrek.”