The Tortoise vs. The Hair. In last week’s episode of “The President Attacks Somebody Who’s Previously Confessed Their Love to Him”, President Donald Jackson Trump went after Senate Majority Leader and Endangered Kentucky Turtle Mitch McConnell. Trump called out McConnell multiple times over Twitter and once in a press conference from his New Jersey Resort where he’s having a “working vacation” and “chillin’ like an actual villain.”

McConnell received support from several Republican colleagues and reportedly had dinner with Jeff Sessions, where one can only imagine they got shitfaced on a bottle of McConnell’s homemade moonshine and drunk dialed several numbers in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. Watch how this plays out over the week. Trump wants McConnell to “get back to work” and repeal/replace Obamacare, fix our tax code and pass infrastructure legislation. Meanwhile, Trump is content on playing golf in the morning to offset his afternoon KFC bloat session.

My prediction on what will happen in this situation: McConnell will try to take the high road until finally having to make a statement denouncing the President’s decision to use Twitter to personally call McConnell out by exposing himself. McConnell: “I thought it was wholly inappropriate for President Trump to tweet the words “Suck it, Mitch!” with an attached image of his genitalia. Furthermore, everyone knows I take issue when it comes to any and all things relating to the gay agenda.”

My second prediction: This story won’t hold a candle to the 19 other dumpster fires Trump will flame over the next few days.